So far today, I have not been a very nice person.
I've been upset because I lost my wedding ring. I looked all over the place. I checked pockets. I dug through every toy bin. Josh moved furniture and we checked under and around (most) everything.
My wedding ring is precious to me. It has special meaning because of what it means and who it is from. It is special because I have worn it faithfully. It is special because my sweet Baby S loves it and spins it on my finger, and every time I silently promise him that this ring is a symbol of the stability and constancy that he shares in my home. And it has monetary value, too. We couldn't replace it - not when that would make it that much longer until we can build up a down payment for a house.
I thought I had lost something precious to me. And I was crabby about it. I was unloving and unkind. I knew that I had no excuse to do wrong. I knew I was sinning through my attitude and my actions. And I continued to make excuses for myself anyway.
And then there was a doctor's appointment for Baby S. The appointment itself was fine. He's healthy, happy and growing. But the interaction with Birth Parent was painful, and confusing, and left me feeling a little crazy. I was now worrying not just about losing someTHING precious to me, but also someONE - my beautiful little sweet boy who knows me as Mommy.
I didn't want to lose one of my very most precious someTHINGs. I didn't want to lose one of my very most precious someONEs.
I scrolled through my Facebook feed and saw lots of Good Friday posts. That's great. But I wasn't feeling it. How can I feel it when I'm worried about something so big and so heavy?
And then I found my ring. My beautiful ring, that I thought was lost forever.
And I remembered.
Good Friday is about losing what is most precious to ultimately gain what is most precious. Good Friday is where I belong most, when I am feeling torn open and totally crazy over the idea of losing my sweet son. Good Friday is not just about Jesus losing his physical life, but about Jesus being totally separated from his Father. Good Friday is all about a Father losing his most precious Son.
I don't want to lose my baby. I don't want to be the mother who loses her son. But I can find hope here. I can find rest here. I can find sanity in my craziness. I don't understand what is happening in Baby S's case, and I am broken and confused as I approach this Easter with court looming just a few days after.
But I know that God's peace is ultimate. I know that life and joy with Jesus is forever.
That doesn't take away the today-pain. But it does add joy that can coexist with my deepest sorrow.
Today, I am thankful for Jesus. I am thankful for a Daddy in Heaven who would knowingly and willingly walk into losing his son, for my sake. Losing his most precious someONE, for a broken someone who didn't even know him yet.
I love that.
Happy Good Friday, friends. May you find joy and peace in Jesus today, no matter what you are going through.